Apr 25, 2008

Happy Arbor Day Dennis

The remains of the tree.

Commenter Dennis wonders, "...isn't it Arbor day or something? And you're posting a tree being killed?"

Well, Dennis, Arbor Day is the last Friday in April and I cut down the tree on Thursday. So, I guess the answer to your question is no.

Additionally, the tone of your comment suggests that I am somehow at fault for the death of this tree. Have you considered that maybe it had it coming?

True story here.

I have this customer who comes into the hardware store all the time. Apparently he is a handyman of sorts and apparently he only owns one shirt, a black polo with the words, 'Powers Gym' embroidered on it. I've seen him dozens of times over the past four months and I am completely serious when I tell you that he has had that shirt on every one of those times. He is also kind of a grumpy, pain in the butt.

On Tuesday this guy stops me in the hardware aisle and asks me what I know about Pack Rats. Pack Rats are a problem for people who live in the suburban areas of our town. You might wish to read about Pack Rats in a post I wrote in 2006. Anyway, my guy wanted to get rid of a couple of Pack Rats that were up to no good.

Pack Rats are hard to deal with because they are smart as rodents go and they are very cautious.

I took him over to our rodent eradication aisle and started by showing him a live trap, since killing is my last choice, unless you are a tree. Just kidding Dennis.

He said that he didn't want to capture the rats since he didn't want to be bothered with relocating them.

Okay, how about some good old-fashioned poison, I wondered. Can't do that since it might kill an innocent bystander from the animal kingdom.

I also suggested a thing called a Rat Zapper, a kind of electric chair for rodents. No, he didn't want to have to dispose of dead rat. Sticky traps? Same objection.

The guy grabbed a ultrasound device from a hook and asked me about it. The device is reputed to chase away vermin by emitting an objectionable sound, a sound above human hearing. I told him I didn't know how effective it was. This launched him into a long diatribe about how he bought one and it didn't work. Why ask then, I wondered?

Finally, trying my best to disguise sarcasm and annoyance as sincerity, I asked, "So you want to get rid of Pack Rats without killing them or capturing them alive? You just want them to go away of their own accord?" He says yes.

You just can't make this stuff up.

Things in this blog represented to be fact, may or may not actually be true. The writer is frequently wrong, sometimes just full of it, but always judgmental and cranky


Kurt said...

Maybe he just wants attention. You can't get that at Home Depot.

Steve said...

So, wait -- what did he do? You can't leave us hanging like this!

I'm just catching up on things around here...sorry the desert willow had to go. And as for the hardware job, can't you just tell them to cut back your hours to what you agreed? Seems like they'd rather do that than lose you.

d. chedwick bryant said...

Ace hardware is way way way better than Home Depot.
The people at Ace are helpful!

Professor Montblanc said...

It is an easy solution for your friend --just tell him if he wants disinterested pack rats who get bored and go away then he must not do anything to amuse them, obviously he is doing something to attract them, so this he must stop! simple, no?

d. chedwick bryant said...

I checked the main Ace Hardware website and messed around with their store locater--and there are over 50 ace stores within 30 miles of midtown Manhattan.

That's pretty awesome!

How did you get the stump cut down so well? so close to the ground?

dennis said...

Dennis just wants to go over the facts.
1. It was a pretty tree
2. A fragile tree
3. It had special needs (it grew at an odd angle and sometimes dropped things)
4. There was a man who had wasted money on a wood chipper-he was anxious to get some use out of the wood chipper.
5. The man also had a chain saw and thoughts of Paul Bunyon. ( Delusions of Grandeur?)
6. The tree could not defend itself. (review # 2)

This tree did not die a natural death, it was not allowed to grow and it's specialness was ignored.

People with implements of destruction had fun.

Dennis found all these facts inside Mr. Merle's self incriminating blog!

Verdict: A new tree must be planted!

Squirrel said...

I just want Merle Wayne Sneed to know that I had a nest in that tree and have had to work overtime to relocate to an even more fragile tree. Thanks.

Coffee Messiah said...

I don't know, if it were me, and that customer answered the way he did, I would have asked: "Have you ever thought of moving?"

Problem solved! ; )

Julia said...

Maybe you had some voodoo curse you could have shared with him. Can't blame the guy for trying.

I never knew pack rats were real animals.