Mar 11, 2008


We're back. Our trip to Las Vegas was great. We went to see Bette Midler's show as planned and she is still fabulous. For a woman who will be sixty-three this December, she is a wonder to behold. Except for the Pakistani guy sitting next to me who insisted upon explaining the whole show to his equally Pakistani girlfriend, the evening was just great. In the interest of preserving good Pakistani/American cooperation in the war on terror, I did not tell him to shut the heck up. It took remarkable restraint on my part. Speaking of the war on terror, this afternoon as we were boarding our fight, the geniuses from the TSA pulled nine people out of line for "extra screening'. Fortunately, I wasn't among them or I might be typing this from jail and not my living room. Among the nine suspicious characters selected were eight elderly white people and one twenty-something white woman. They were taken aside and in front of all the other passengers, were patted down and wanded with that wand thing the TSA loves so much. When I last checked elderly white Americans haven't committed any acts of terror, so it's unclear to me what the point was. Actually, that's not true, I suspect that I know exactly what the point was. I think that some brainiac at the TSA has mandated that a certain number of people be screened each day or week or month or something. Rather than risk being accused of racial profiling, they have decided to screen the only people in America who won't complain, Hal and Blanche from Moline. "Ya sure, you betcha I thought it was odd them patting us down like that, but there's no telling you you can trust these days, no siree Bob. They're just doing their jobs is all" - Hal Jorgenson, Moline, Illinois. Here are a few random observations from our time in Las Vegas. Feel free to adopt any and all into your life as needed. I'm here to help. 1. Just because Las Vegas doesn't specifically ban kids is no reason to bring them along. 2. Just because they sell tops that allow your boobs to shoot out doesn't mean they are for every woman. 3. Just because it's available in your size doesn't mean you're obligated to wear it. 4. It's better to be bald than to grow your hair long and comb it forward. 5. Soul mate is not a word that comes to mind when I see a couple that looks like George Burns and a showgirl. 6. The best way to meet young and beautiful women is not necessarily to shout lewd comments at them from the bar where you and your pals are drinking it up. 7. There's a reason its called drunk and stupid. 8. The elevator will still operate even if you get off your cellphone. 9. Everyone around you knows that you are texting in a dark theater, even if you are real sneaky about it. and lastly, 10. Just because it stays in Vegas doesn't mean it should happen in Vegas. Things in this blog represented to be fact, may or may not actually be true. The writer is frequently wrong, sometimes just full of it, but always judgmental and cranky


d. chedwick bryant said...

please tell me you saw lots of guys wearing shirts with
the "Flames Motif" I hope that has not gone out of "Vegas" style-- Does the interior of NY NY hotel/casino still smell like sour milk?

I'm glad to hear Bette is still hot, because it is frankly embarrassing to admit how many years I have loved that woman.

Steve said...

What's to explain about a Bette Midler show??

I think you're right about the TSA. They screen unlikely people so as to balance the statistics..."See? 85 percent of the people we screened were elderly anglos!"

Kurt said...

11. When handing out girlie cards, making a flicking sound with each card will not miraculously draw my attention to the card and make me want it. You're annoying; the flicking is annoying.

12."1/2 Yard" drinks in giant unrecyclable plastic containers are the main reason the terrorists hate us.

Nan Patience said...

I've always wanted to see Vegas, just for the majestic facades. Guess I'll need to get my cootie shots. I hate cooties.

dennis said...

Dennis wants to see Bette Midler.

Anonymous said...

Hilarious. Most folks who don't live by these rules think it's their insurance or license to do stupid things. This always leads to a good story if not a hangover and perhaps a lost wallet.