Feb 11, 2008

Ask Mr. Screen

Interest in windows screens must be at an all time high, judging from the number of interesting screen-themed questions asked by readers of the Sneed blog. In my last post I mentioned that I had become trained in the ancient art of window screening and that I would be able to provide any help needed for your screen-related needs. With that in mind, I will answer a few of the many fine questions that were sent in. A Mr. Bob Dylan of the United States asked how you repair screens slashed open by supposed fans. Mr. Dylan, many people have faced this dilemma and and I am sorry to have to have tell you that there is no way to repair slashes from supposed fans. For slashes from real fans, take the screen to your neighborhood Ace store and ask them to do a rescreen. Anonymous of the planet Earth, has a problem with dog's teeth becoming entangled in his screens. This leaves holes large enough for some insects to crawl through. Duct tape has not proven helpful. Over 2000 personal pleas by Anonymous to the dogs imploring them to stop this wanton destruction, have fallen on deaf doggy ears. Anonymous, I would suggest electrifying the screen. The dogs will quickly learn that biting the screen is a bad idea. Either that or your dogs will soon be occupying space reserved for dumber than average dead dogs. Ace can special order an electrifying kit for you. Also hang a sign on the screen warning humans that there is a shock danger. Don't worry that this will tip off the dogs; few dogs can read. Taco Fetishist, a resident of the Gulf Coast of the United States, has a complaint about the cheesy quality of the kitchen window screen in his cheap-ass FEMA trailer. Taco, I feel your pain dude. George Bush ordered the high-quality aluminum screens removed from the FEMA trailers and had them replaced with low-grade fiberglass ones. He sent Haliburton the money that he saved by screwing the little people. I suggest that you sell some of your food stamps to a homeless guy and take those proceeds, along with the crappy frame to the nearest Ace. The helpful folks of Ace will provide you with a screen that you will be proud to own. Own is the operative word here Taco. Don't forget to take YOUR new screen with you if you ever move out of that sh*tbox. Otherwise those b*stards at Haliburton are the winners again. Mr. Dollface wonders about the best screen to use in the manufacture of "smoking aids". The Sneed blog is a drug-free zone and as such does not encourage or condone the use of illegal substances. However, since you will likely find out the answer anyway, it's better that you get safe advice here, rather than some dangerous back alley urban legend advice. Use aluminum man. Ace sells screening by the foot. Buy a foot of 24" aluminum screen. You can use regular household scissors to cut it into tiny squares suitable for your purpose. Join me next time when I will address John Q. Blogger's question, "How much do you know about sandpaper?" Things in this blog represented to be fact, may or may not actually be true. The writer is frequently wrong, sometimes just full of it, but always judgmental and cranky

4 comments:

Kurt said...

You forgot to mention that recreening is surprisingly inexpensive.

d. chedwick bryant said...

I've been patching screens, I will take my screens over to Ace from now on.

Steve said...

We rescreened our whole back porch once when I was a kid. I thought it was fun...but then, I wasn't really doing the work. :)

phd girl said...

Does your ACE store sell any small appliances?