Feb 9, 2008

I Only Sell The Stuff

I don't like to brag or anything, but today I learned the correct way to make window screens. Merle Sneed is now your go-to guy for all things screeny. Note to Ched. I have mentioned Seafood Jr. before. He infrequently shows up because he doesn't like to be bothered by weather that is too hot or too cold. Like Goldilocks, he likes things to be just right. As for my social circle expanding, like a balloon, it's better if it doesn't expand too much. Maybe this next thing shouldn't bother me, but it does. Sometimes I sell something to a person for a project and I know that it has disaster written all over it. Sometimes it is just a really bad idea that they can't be talked out of. Mostly it is people who want to do something but have no idea about how to do it. Take pictures for example. I've noticed that women like to hang pictures on the wall. For a while there I thought it was just something Mrs. and Daughter Sneed liked to do. It turns out that it is much more widespread than I imagined. On any given workday, one or more of the customers that I wait on will ask me about hanging up pictures, often very heavy pictures. Since most people are poor estimators of weight and height, they will guess that their picture weighs 20, 30 or even 40 pounds. It has been my experience that very few pictures kept in the homes of average Americans weigh even ten pounds, but the conversation goes like this. Customer: I need to hang a really heavy picture. Me: How heavy? Customer: Maybe...at least 20 pounds. Me: What kind of wall? Customer: Living room. Me: No, Brick, drywall, plaster? Customer: Drywall, I think. Me: Okay, these hangers can be tapped into the drywall and are rated for 20 pounds. Customer: Maybe it's heavier than 20 pounds, what else can I do? Me: Hollow wall anchors. Customer: Huh? Me: Follow me....(walking)....these. Customer: How do they work. Me: Blah, blah, blah. Customer: I'll take four of those those. This is the point at which I worry that I will wind up being blamed for the ten holes that get bashed into their living room wall from them trying to use what I sold them. Don't even get me started on the people who come in and buy electrical hardware. Unless you live somewhere where you have to hire an electrician to change a light bulb, there is a ton of money to be made as a handyman. Things in this blog represented to be fact, may or may not actually be true. The writer is frequently wrong, sometimes just full of it, but always judgmental and cranky

14 comments:

Bob Dylan said...

Ahhhh... dealing with the public! It's both joy and a curse.

Kurt said...

Little tip: if you use two hooks, spaced about half the width of the painting apart, they will hold 40 lbs (20 + 20), plus the picture stays level.

d. chedwick bryant said...

Kurt is brilliant once again! He has changed my picture hanging life. His tip is especially great if you live over a subway tunnel or near an airport --no more straightening pictures all day!

PS I need some screen help.

Bob Dylan said...

How do you repair screens slashed open by supposed fans?

alphabet soup said...

Kurt is brilliant!! And yes, there is a ton of money to be made by handymen. There's a proviso of course - they have to really know what they are doing and it's often better to pay a handyman than to have gadgets and tools cluttering up your life if you only need them once in a blue moon.
Ms Soup

Anonymous said...

My dogs are always getting their toenails dug into the screens, and then they pull back and stretch out the little squares and eventually it becomes a large enough opening for a praying mantis to fit through (but not quite big enough for a butterfly) The praying mantis has to work his way in, but he can get through.
Duct taping has not worked, because the screen eventually becomes a solid, and no air can flow through, which I believe is the whole point of a screen, although I could be wrong on that point. Anyway, My dogs will not stay away from the windows even though I have told them 2,000 times to do just that. It is a problem I am hoping you can solve for me.

Les

Anonymous said...

In other words, my dogs are occupying the space that I wish for a fresh breeze to occupy. Hope you have an answer. Reply soon.
Les, Again

taco fetishist said...

dear whats his name in the red vest,

I have a screen dilemma too! How fortunate that you have just completed your studies in screeny things.
OK here is my problem. I live in a Fema trailer and they are poorly ventilated and have limited windows, so limited in fact, that mine only has one window in the "miniature kitchenette area." I cook a lot...making Tacos, Fried Chicken, Deep fried onion rings and the like.The screen gets greasy fast and I am always washing it. It has become raggedy from over-washing AND to make matters worse, the window gets that Southern exposure which is baking that cheap fema screen all day and weakening it even more. (Don't tell me to move the trailer--It is jammed up against other trailers. )
The screen is just wearing out, what should I do?
I have patched it will cello-tape, but the tape weakens too.

mr dollface said...

I manufacture cheap maryjane pipes and have to cut little pieces of screening material to fit into the bowl of the pipe. What grade screen should I be using for this endeavor?

Thanking you in advance,

Squirrel said...

Have you ever seen a squirrel's nest? Some of us could really use a handyman.

Steve said...

Your title says it all. You're not responsible for bad judgment or execution by the customers!

Julia said...

Mr dollface,
go to someone's house and unscrew the screen off the tap to the faucet. The bathroom one is easy to get because nobody will question your need for privacy in there.

dennis said...

Dennis likes screens cause they let in fresh cold air and noise (birdsong)

John Q. Blogger said...

Just how much do you know about Sandpaper?