If a 500-pound Man Wears Horizontal Stripes, Does He Look Fatter?

Well, it's 7:30 pm and we have yet to get our first trick-or-treater. We don't do daylight savings time in Arizona, so it has been pitch black for way over an hour. My problem is that I have a bowl full of M&M's that have to be given out or they will be eaten by yours truly, and god knows I am fat enough, as it is. The following is a mean-spirited and at times cruel rant about decent people trying to celebrate Halloween and at the same time have a little fun. Had they taken the time to check with me, I could have helped them to make better choices. What can I say? I work in a building that is largely occupied by a call center, which means that it was full of near-adults wearing Halloween costumes today. One of the biggest challenges in running a call center is to keep spirits up in the face of overwhelming tedium, so opportunities to let the inmates go crazy are prized. Today was no exception. I don't work for the call center company, but I put forth my best effort to get into the swing of things by dressing up as Merle Sneed, an effort that went largely unnoticed and unappreciated. Some woman, with cat whiskers plastered on her mug, asked me, "Where's your costume?" What do you say to that? Uh, I'm wearing it. Duh. Besides, every day is fricking Halloween if you're Merle Sneed. You know, bad costume, too much candy? Among the costumes that stood out, was a sixty-year-old woman on my floor who wore green tights, a green shirt and a green elf's hat. Let me tell you that you don't want to see a sixty-year-old in tights. These things were tight in all the wrong places, and left nothing to the imagination, not that anyone has that much imagination. Lumpy is the word that springs to mind and when I say lumpy, I mean bad lumpy, really bad lumpy, gouging out my mind's eye lumpy. The really depressing part is that she is married, so someone failed to tell her the bad news before she left home this morning. I feared being trapped in the elevator with her and having to acknowledge the monstrosity, but I avoided trouble. Another memorable get up was the 500-pound man who works on six (I'm not kidding), who came dressed as an inmate. It the kind you used to see in cartoons, complete with the little (in this case giant) striped hat. He had the whole horizontal-striped inmate suit thing going on. I've got to give him credit for really getting into it. The poor guy is so big that he already walks like he is dragging a ball and chain, so he was a very convincing inmate. One of the problems that I have on Halloween, is that many people that I assume are wearing costumes, are not, so I have to be extra careful to keep my big mouth shut. When you work in a building tucked between the municipal bus depot and a WalMart store, you can't be sure if its clever costuming or merely bad taste in clothes. In the old days, before my company downsized 70% of the workforce out of existence, we used to have hoards of people who dressed up for Halloween. It was painful to watch. Dopey cubicle denizens, oohing and aaahing over their respective dopey costumes. I don't have that many standard for accetable behavior at work, but costumes at work at on my "don't do" list. On the home front, I posted a few days ago that we were concerned for the young couple next door. I am happy to report that I spoke to the young woman tonight and things have been stressful for them because of an incident with a friend, but they are doing okay. That is a big relief to the lovely Mrs. Sneed and me. Not to sound like a broken record but...what am I saying, my life is a broken record, not to mention my Groundhog Day-like posts. At any rate, tonight when the lovely Mrs. Sneed and I went to a cafe we frequently visit for dinner, there was a big dumbass at a nearby table, sharing the details of his very messy divorce with the world and whomever he was speaking to on his cell phone. Are you and I the only people left with a sense of decorum? Have you ever noticed that you never have a stun gun when you need one? Lastly, I have also been listening to a new podcast, at least new to me, called the Skeptic's Guide to the Universe. It is really interesting and if you like science and making fun of the paranormal crowd, the alternative medicine quacks, or general kooky true-believers, then this is the show for you. Check it out at http://www.theness.com or through Itunes. Well, that is my Halloween report. Merle. Hold on, buckaroos. There are kids at the door. Things in this blog represented to be fact, may or may not actually be true. The writer is frequently wrong and sometimes just full of it. Tag: Daily Life Personal Finance Humor