Apr 30, 2009

You never know what people will come into the hardware store looking for. Our store is in a low-income area that is still headed downward, so we see our share of characters. Why would two very drunk homeless guys be looking at expensive plumbing parts? A young artist set up her exhibit, only to discover that her creations needed to hang four inches lower from the ceiling of the exhibit space. She was frantic for a solution and thought maybe we would have something to help. Some fishing line and a small handsaw fixed the problem. She thinks I'm the best, in case you wondered. A well-heeled older man driving a BMW sedan, wanted a device to scare away some bats that were spoiling his enjoyment of his pool with their guano. "They are pooping by my pool." We had one in stock. A cranky old guy needed a key, but also wanted to give me a lecture on why the a storage shed that we have on display isn't worth what the "Rubbermaid bastards" are charging. He delivered his tirade at the top of his lungs and the assistant manager had to ask him to quiet down. It's a conspiracy with the Chinese, in case you wonder. Lots of people came in looking for dust masks. Our proximity to Mexico has given a lot of people a cause for concern over the swine flu. One guy was embarrassed to tell me that he feared the flu, but as he cleaned out what we had left, he said he was going to be doing a lot of sanding. No one does that much sanding. And my favorite. A down-on-her-luck woman wanted super glue and asked me which glue would be suitable for gluing her bridgework back in? This stuck me as funny, but Mrs. Sneed reminded me that it isn't. I Googled superglue and teeth and got 95,000 hits, so apparently, this isn't an uncommon question. Things in this blog represented to be fact, may or may not actually be true. The writer is frequently wrong, sometimes just full of it, but always judgmental and cranky


Reya Mellicker said...

Rubbermaid bastards, eh? Yeah, yeah ... another Chinese conspiracy?

BTW you ARE the best, you really are. Believe me.

alphabet soup said...

Because they were very drunk I'd say, who knows what they thought they were looking at?
Of course you're the best!!
What scares bats away from pools?
Not another Chinese conspiracy!!
I'm thinking this is a flu pandemic not a dust pandemic but then you are a lot closer to the supposed seat of the problem than most.
I must remember that superglue brdige trick for the next denture disaster.

I love these hardware store newsletters...
Ms Soup

Megan said...

I can't decide who to comment about!!!!

Squirrel said...

colorful crowd you get! superglue is always potentially scary.

Barbara said...

You must be the king of all hardware for these characters! Maybe you should write a book about your experience in the hardware business. But for now thanks for amusing us with your stories!

Kurt said...

Yes, in this great nation, we must superglue our bridgework back in because bridgework costs, like, $2000.

Nan Patience said...

even though I don't know what most of the thingies are in there, hardware stores are my second favorite thing to browse after stationery/drug stores

R.L. Bourges said...

Whether drunk or not, I bet the dream of a private, fully-equiped washroom must rank pretty high on the list of desirables for the homeless.

Fishing line is the next handiest thing to duct tape. Add a penknife and you're just about set to go anywhere.

We need to know, Merle: do you sell bat diapers? If not, what is the secret anti-guano weapon?

Chinese rubbermaids: thanks for the warning. I'll be on the lookout, in case their rubber dinghies come floating down the Dadou.

Boy. The makers of Tamiflu are going to have another record year, and so are the makers of dust masks. Always good to know someone profits.

I'm with squirrel on the superglue. Find that downright scary.

Keep them coming, Merle. Just love these vignettes.

Steve said...

Superglued teeth??? That sounds like a recipe for disaster!

e said...

Hi Merle,

Love the stories, but sad that we live in a country where some folks need superglue for their bridgework because dental work, like everything else, is too expensive. Best to you and yours.

You do rock, in case you wondered!