King Merle the Pretty Good

The Sneedlet's listen intently to their grandfather's sage advice.


In days of old I had an idea for a book. That was before I ran out of energy and before someone pointed out that I write like a fifth-grader and that no one would publish me anyway.

My book idea was based on things that really tick me off. No surprise there. I wanted to call the book, When I Am King Of The World. I planned to write about those things that I would outlaw, if I ever get any real power.

Many of the annoying things that I had listed for my book, have gone the way of the Do-Do bird. They were killed by technology, good sense or public outrage.

Take for example, the location of a bus bench at somewhere that isn't a bus stop. Years ago some advertising genius decided that benches made good mini-billboards and that placing them around our fair city indiscriminately made good business sense. Unfortunately people mistook them for bus stops and discovered the hard way that the bus wouldn't stop for them.

Our municipal bus system is manned by the men and women of the Teamsters union. Many drivers work the old union tactic called, "Work to Rule." Work to Rule means that some drivers will do only what the work rules say, even when human decency and common sense dictate otherwise. This left many people, often elderly people, sitting in the blazing summer sun as the bus whizzed past them. Fortunately, this bench-placing strategy has died out after complaints to the city.

Not to fear though. There is never a shortage of inconsiderate, greedy or good taste challenged a-holes out there, so the annoyances abound. For each one that dies, two spring up to replace it.

Sneedlet is here today and he is a bit under the weather. Sneedlet has been sick off an on for a few months with the usual kid stuff. This onset of illnesses coincides with the start of his daycare days, so it is to be expected.

The immediate result of his minor illness today is that we are sitting at home rather than going out. He is watching Toy Story on DVD for the hundredth time. The process of queuing up his DVD reminded me of my book project.

If I buy a DVD, why does the maker get to put a dozen previews on the beginning? Especially previews that they force me to watch, by disabling my ability to skip them? Kid's DVDs are the worst, although all DVDs have previews. So, when I am king, nothing goes on the DVD except the movie I paid for. Violators will be sentenced to spend life in prison watching Ben Affleck movies.

Speaking of things that have sprung up in the last few years, when I am King of the World it will be illegal to use a cell phone in a place of public convenience. On a bus, in a restaurant, theater or store, no talking on your cell phone. When I was a Tedious Systems, one of the managers would stand at the urinal holding private conversations. I always made it a point to flush a few times for effect. He didn't seem bothered.

Here's another one. It's past time for American men, young and even some not so young, to man-up. Take the sports merchandising business, for instance. When I am King of the World I will outlaw the manufacture of professional sports team jerseys in adult sizes for sale to the public.

There is no excuse for a man who has reached adulthood to be wandering around wearing a jersey with his favorite player's name on the back. Hero-worship is for children. Even worse was the middle-aged couple I saw the other evening wearing matching Randy Moss football jerseys. Could they be anymore hillbillyish?

Have you ever really thought about bumper stickers? I don't like bumper stickers in general. Most people are humor-challenged, so most bumper stickers are sophomoric and obvious. That is when they are not confirming your worst expectations of the driver. Who thinks that a bumper sticker which says, "Don't tailgate or I flick a booger on your windshield", is funny? And how little self-respect must you have to put it on your car?

Among the stickers that grate on me are those that memorialize the late Dale Earnhart, Sr., who was a NASCAR driver of some fame. Earnhart's car was number eight. A driver's number is a big deal to the NASCAR folks.

Question: What do Dale Earhart and Pink Floyd have in common? Answer: Their last big hit was the Wall.

That one always cracks me up.

Anyway, I saw a bumper sticker that said, "Number 8, Heaven needed another angel." If your faith supports the idea that God kills people just to keep the angel population up, I would suggest that you rethink things, religion-wise.

That sticker was planted on a car painted to resemble Earnhart's NASCAR vehicle, complete with a big number 8 on each side. A young woman was driving the monstrosity, which makes it all the more puzzling. Women usually have a modicum of decorum.

Anyway, I don't want to read bumper stickers, so out they will go. I'll exempt some that advertise for organizations, because I will be a benevolent king.

So, there you go. Look for my book on Amazon.




Things in this blog represented to be fact, may or may not actually be true. The writer is frequently wrong, sometimes just full of it, but always judgmental and cranky