All the News

I don't make it my habit to worry too much about what's in the news. I probably mentioned this before but, the news these days seems less about the facts and more about how people feel about what happened. Too much feeling will get you into trouble most of the time, so I try to keep my feelings in check.

For instance, apparently Princess Diana is still dead. The reason I know this is that Mrs. Sneed has the television on and one of the cable channels is rehashing the whole business. Evidently, the dead guy's father still isn't buying that it was an unfortunate accident. I think he believes the Queen had Diana and her boyfriend Dodi Al-Fayed offed.

I'm not sure why Princess Diana made such a hit with people. Some people have convinced themselves that it was because she was the face of many good, even noble causes, such as land mine awareness and the benefits of Weight Watchers. No wait, that was the other former princess, the red-haired one.

I, on the other hand, figure Diana was so popular because she stuck it to the Royals. Prince Charles was sneaking around with that Parker Bowles woman and Diana trumped him by having affairs with basically every guy she met. People appreciate a gal with moxie.

So there you go. It is the tenth anniversary of Diana's death and people are being urged to remember it sadly. Elton John is reported to have said that if need be, he will re-release Candle in the Wind, with new and improved lyrics. Let's hope that won't become necessary. As a precaution, I urge everyone to act sad for the next few days.


The suspect tries to act nonchalant.



Also in the news, there has been an unfortunate mishap at the Mrs. America pageant being held right here in our fair city.

It seems that Mrs. Tennessee was walking to a rehearsal with several other of the various Missuses, when she moved out of the way of a spider and was bitten on the foot by a rattlesnake. Rattlesnake bites are very rare and seldom fatal, but it is still best to avoid rattlesnakes when possible.

I thought we covered yesterday that spiders are our friends. Evidently Mrs. Tennessee doesn't read my blog. Too bad, she could have avoided this whole incident, but I digress.

Luckily for Mrs. Tennessee, she was in the company of Mrs. Idaho, who happens to be a nurse. According to this story Mrs. Idaho saved Mrs. Tennessee's life by removing the snake's fang from Mrs. Tennessee's skin. I don't wish to cast doubt on the veracity of this fine news account or Mrs' Idaho's bravery and skill as a nurse, but removing the broken off fang didn't save her life.

Rattlesnakes don't store venom in their fangs. The fangs are just the conduit through which the venom is delivered. Another point, the news article referred to the rattlesnake as a wily serpent. For the record, rattlesnakes have instincts, not intellect. Very often when they they are startled by a gaggle of beauty queens, clomping down the stairs, they react by striking at a foot that is about to stomp on them. Evolutionary biologists believe that this behavior developed tens of thousands of years ago when snakes found themselves in danger of being trod upon by Homo sapiens neanderthalensis, possible the first humans to hold beauty contests.

Mrs. Tennessee was rushed to the hospital and given a bunch of doses of antivenin and sent back to the pageant. She is current trying to force her swollen foot into a stylish evening pump in time to "carry on".

Reporters for The Tennessean newspaper wondered if the snake might have been planted in the path of Mrs. Tennessee in an effort to derail her bid to become Mrs. America. they sought out a noted beauty pageant expert to clarify their questions.

"I would certainly hope not," Delayna Bridges told the newspaper, laughing. "Mrs. Arizona won Mrs. America last year, so, hopefully, they are feeling pretty happy right now and not feeling the need to sabotage our girl." Don't be so sure, sister.

So, you may want to set your TIVOs for September 28th to catch all the proceeding of the Mrs. America pageant. It will be co-hosted by Mr. Alan Thicke and that mean woman who got kicked off The Apprentice, Omarosa Stallworth. It will be a night to remember, I'm sure.











Things in this blog represented to be fact, may or may not actually be true. The writer is frequently wrong, sometimes just full of it, but always judgmental and cranky