Who You Gonna Call?

A veteran member of the blogging community passed on a tip for successful posting to me today. Don't put your boss's name in your blog. Since they are mostly egomaniacs, there is a high likelihood that he or she will Google themselves and out you. Good advice.

Henceforth, my boss, Kendall Ling will be referred to as Randall Bing, so that he won't know I am talking about him. Plus anytime I say something disingenuous in order to cover my tracks, I will include the phrase, my hair is on fire, so that you will be wise to my ruse, and understand that I am spouting a load of bulls**t.

Just for the record, Randall Bing is nowhere near the buffoon I portray him to be. In fact, he is a dynamic leader, a cheerful fellow, eminently reasonable and quite a hunky guy to boot. My hair is on fire.

Speaking of hunky guys, Merle Sneed's favorite disgraced evangelist is back in the news. Former Pastor Ted Haggard, hypocrite and intolerant blowhard, has emerged from the hole he has been hiding in to proclaim that he is now "completely straight".

After three weeks of "intense counselling" by four ministers, the Rev. Tim Ralph said, "He (Haggard) is completely heterosexual". This of course, is as improbable as Yao Ming emerging from three weeks of intense counselling to declare that he is now "completely short".

The conversion is rumored to have been accomplished through physical and emotional techniques, including beatings, sleep-deprivation and a regime of non-stop loops of reruns of Happy Days.

"It was touch and go there for a while", said Pastor Bob Roberts, founder of the Christian Outreach program, Gay Busters, Who ya gonna call?, "but when we put on the Best of Celine Dion, volume IV CD, old Satan, who had assumed the personae of Liberace, just lit out and Pastor Ted kind of collapsed."

"I looked at my team and said, boys we got the gay out of this sucker, can I get an amen?"

Well, all this sort of confused my blog intern Stuie Knox and me. I guess we didn't appreciate the danger we faced, from inadvertent homosexuality, drug use and consorting with prostitutes brought on the Satan himself.

Fortunately, it turns out that Gay Busters has a screening tool to identify what their literature calls, deviant behavior of this sort, or as Pastor Bob Roberts characterized it, your disgustin' homasexal tendencies. His advice was to get tested early and often.

"El Diablo will jump you when your let your guard down. One day you're riding high and the next you're getting high in a sleazy motel with the Prince of Darkness hisself, posing as a male prostitute. And that's the God's honest truth, friend, I've seen it happen with my own eyes."

We needed to act and act fast.

This morning Stuie and I faxed our questionnaires, a short essay on the subject of what power tools mean to me, and a photo (head shot preferred) to Pastor Bob Roberts his for assessment. We had to provide a credit card number for the $35 assessment fee ($30 for groups of six or more) and $15 expedite fee.

This afternoon I received this fine looking certificate, suitable for framing, via fax. I am also going to get 30 wallet-sized replicas in the mail, that I can give family and friends.


Reverend Bob said that certain aspects of my evaluation raised questions about my normalcy, as he put it. He suggested a weekend workshop at Gay Busters to fine tune some of my suspect areas. Most troubling according to Pastor Bob was my answer of greater than ten, to the question, How many Broadway shows have you seen?

Pastor Bob Roberts added that he enjoys a good show as well as the next fellow, but that New York theater crowd is full of the sort that endangers our country and our families. So they look hard at that particular answer.

"Why just last year our preteen group put on a little musical in the church hall, and it was danged good. That's what I am talking about, boy."

Poor Stuie, on the other hand, fared much more poorly, according to Pastor Bob's interpetation.

"The boy's confused", he confided. "I can't say more because of them HIPPO regulations", he added, "but he's definitely got issues."

Tell me about it, I work with the guy.

Pastor Bob has recommended the "full Haggard" for Stuie and I am supposed to keep him locked up until space becomes available for him in their facility. I'll try but sometimes there is just no holding him.

As Pastor Bob often says, "We just caint have that element running around like regular people, boy."

Can I get an amen? Anybody, anybody, Bueller, anybody?

So to Pastor Ted, Pastor Tim Ralph and the offical spiritual advisor to the MerleSneed organization, Pastor Bob Roberts I say, "Ah, geez, your hair's on fire."


















Things in this blog represented to be fact, may or may not actually be true. The writer is frequently wrong, sometimes just full of it, but always judgemental and cranky


Tag: Daily Life
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Humor