May 5, 2006
Did the Rapture Happen?
I haven't had a visitor to my blog since yesterday. Seeing as how I am a humorous and charming guy, there must be something funny going on. It must be the Rapture. You know when the worthy are assumed into heaven or something? I'm pretty sure I'm not on the list. So if it did happen I am just wondering about my blog, that's all. Years ago I worked with a guy that fell in with some crazy religious cult. The Prophet Bubba Joe or something like that, convinced about a dozen knuckleheads that the Rapture was going to happen on a specific day and at a specific time and those who stuck with him were on the A-train to the big reward. The best part was that the magic date was in a few short weeks. So hang on to them hats and glasses folks, this here is the wildest ride in the west. This fellow immediately went to the boss and tried to resign his job because of his impending accension into heaven and all. The boss, to his credit, recognized a temporary delusion when he saw it and gave the him a leave of absence, just in case the Prophet had his eternal calendar a little hosed up. Our intrepid adventurer had about 6 weeks to kill until shoveoff. Did this righteous soul use his remaining time on earth doing good works, studying scripture or praying for those unworthy of the big elevator trip to heaven? Naw, not him. To celebrate his good fortune at being selected to the elite group of celestial travelers, he chose to tour the country visiting places he always wanted to see and having a grand old time. Nothing wrong with that. Oh, did I mention that he maxed out his credit cards to pay for it because, "hey, I didn't think I would be here when the bill arrived." Brilliant. He also decided that there was no sense in filing his federal and state tax returns. Heck, even the IRS can't reach into heaven. I guess God is okay with larceny and tax evasion as long as your are really, really saved and have the Prophet Bubba Joe seal of approval. Well, the magic date came and Bubba Joe, et al. assembled in the backyard of Casa de Adios. They even called the media and some covered it. There was a countdown worthy of Dick Clark's Rocking New Year's Eve and 4, 3, 2, 1...nothing happened. No rapture, just a bunch of hicks sitting in lawn chairs nervously checking their watches and thinking, "Oh crap, I cancelled my lease." The Prophet BJ called an intermission while he reviewed the charts and talked to the Big Man in private. Seems a miscalculation may have occurred. You transpose a single digit and the year 1987 becomes 9187. Big difference if your MasterCard is over-the-limit. Monday the hapless schmuck straggled back to work to the jeers of his coworkers. The credit card companies sued him and the IRS put a tax lien on him because in addition to not filing, he belonged to a group that taught that paying taxes was illegal and he didn't exactly withhold correctly. God stiffed him on the Rapture and he got sued. Man I hate when that happens.